Now, I'm not blaming this all on my friends. I know my anger and hurt come as fault to myself as well. I put too much emphasis on my friends, and I rely on relationships and people which are ultimately human, and we as humans make mistakes and have faults. Each day, I have been finding a new friend to get angry at and a new reason to stop wanting to let any human into my life, because I feel like I will get hurt more when I do. I feel like I'm on the edge of just cutting everyone off and running away. I know I'm in a bad place when I want to cut people out of my life, because relationships are at the core of me, and normally I LOVE going deep in friendships and building that trust and closeness.
A couple weeks ago, Pastor Stu preached on sacrificing being a people-pleaser and to live for an audience of One. He asked us in service to raise our hand if we were a people-pleaser. Of course I didn't raise my hand...I didn't think I was one. Then, throughout the week, I realized I was getting more and more angry and my attitude was dependent on whether or not my friend contacted me that day. I prayed about it throughout the week, and then at my next Community Group I turned to another close friend and said "I think I have decided this week that I really am a people pleaser" And she said, "Duh, of course you are." That response hit me like a ton of bricks. Really? Is it that easy to see?? Why have I been so blind to it?
Two weeks have passed since that sermon, and I have still been getting more and more angry each day at a different friend for doing something else to me. As if their life should revolve around me, or as if they have the capability to be a perfect friend to me. What I've realized is kinda a bold and clear point: they are human, my friends, my family...they are all human and WILL let me down.
God and His son Jesus Christ are the only One that WONT let me down.
I mean, that's just plain truth right there.
I mean, that's just plain truth right there.
And here's how I've been living my life. I have been relying on my friends, and if they let me down, I have turned to my family, and if they failed me, I then turned to God. I have been letting my own self-image be determined by how much my friends care for me, how much they cared to call or text me, and then when they failed to do that, I would be destroyed for days. Now, that is NOT a way to live. It's a horrible way to live. I go day to day right now with so much bitterness and so much pain, and I feel empty of the joy I once had when I was living for the Audience of One.
The way to live is to completely reverse the order:
live for God, then family, then friends.
live for God, then family, then friends.
Pastor Stu said in his sermon, if you see yourself as God sees you, through God's eyes, you will see that you are wholly and fully and unconditionally loved no matter what, and that we are precious in His eyes. And if I believe that in God there is no lie, then I really shouldn't have to look beyond His opinion of myself for the approval and recognition by others.
Some of you may say, "of course Lauren, why would you live any other way?" Well, for me, this is just one of my weaknesses I have found that I can work on in order to make myself a better person, and a better follower of Jesus. I'm a work in progress, and I'm so glad my God is patient with me, and loves me nonetheless.
