Sometimes I can barely catch my breath when I think about what has happened in my life in the last 4 years, the struggles and strongholds I have had to overcome (and am still overcoming), and the people I have lost in the process. It's super painful and sometimes even still a little unbelievable to me. I remember growing up and always hearing my friends and people in my church talk about these crazy, life-changing testimonies they had after they became saved and accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior. They would have these intense life situations, sins, or addictions that they had to overcome through the blood and love of Christ. I was never one of those people. I grew up in the church from a baby and gradually learned about the Bible, the Gospel, and God/Christ through weekly Sunday School classes, church services, and youth group. I remember in middle school and high school feeling like perhaps something was missing to my testimony, wondering why I didn't have that big life change. By the time I graduated from high school, I simply accepted and acknowledged that every person has their own unique testimony, and I felt blessed that I didn't have any huge life situations or hurdles I had to face in my life thus far.
Fast forward to the end of college, I was faced with something I never thought I would ever have to deal with in my most imaginable dreams or worst nightmares. Haha God, ok, I get it, I now have my big testimony. But it's not even about who can have the bigger testimony or the biggest life change. It's about how God can use any and all life situations for the good and for His glory. It's amazing how the Lord has taken the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with (and am still dealing with) and use it to teach me so many things about myself and about Him that I might never have learned in any other way.
Fast forward another four years and here I sit. Still dealing with it, still holding onto my faith, and still learning incredible realizations about who I am, and who God is. It's hard to hold on sometimes, especially if we grasp on to every little ounce of control that we can have over the situation. The whole time, the Lord is whispering in our ears.....just let go, trust Me, just let go. I have come so far in 4 years, but even still to this day, I still struggle with things daily. It reminds me of Paul when he says in Romans 7:14-24,
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?"
We are constantly at war and battling the sinful, selfish desires in ourselves. Even for myself, over the last month, I have been making daily decisions that have blatantly been negating the progress I have been making over the last 4 years. I couldn't overcome it on my own. But I feel super blessed that the Lord has placed certain people in my life all along the way to do life and faith together, to be real and vulnerable with. That's what Waters Edge Church's Community Groups are all about. A girl from my Community Group came along side of me, listened to me as I confessed my sin and struggles, and joined with me as my accountability partner. She said "I'll give up this, if you give up that." She knew me all too well. She knew I couldn't say no to that proposition. She came along side of me, made a sacrifice of her own, so we could grow together in our walks with the Lord.
Paul ends that passage in Romans 7 with: "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me, even when I give up on me. Thank you for your faithfulness, your grace and mercy, and for your unconditional forgiveness and love. Thank you for placing specific people in my life to walk and endure this spiritual journey with, who support and encourage me, and keep me accountable. Lord, thank you for being there, especially on those days and nights when I can barely breathe thinking about what I have lost in the process. In You, I have so much to gain.
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