"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
Psalm 18:2
Psalm 18:2
Deliverance. I have always known what the word meant. I mean, I grew up in the church my entire life, so the idea of deliverance was a familiar one to me. I knew the definition. But had I ever truly experienced it? On a conceptual basis, I of course believe that I am delivered from my sins daily through the blood of Christ. But I have never felt any grandeur experience with deliverance...until last week.
For any of you who know me or who have been reading my blog in the past two years, you know I have been struggling with depression and a huge stronghold on my life. It was something that affected every aspect and realm of my daily living...physical, emotional, and spiritual. I reached the lowest of lows and have been through some of the darkest nights of the soul that I could ever imagine. For the longest time, I kept telling myself I could manage it, manage the depression, manage the stronghold. I believed that if I could control certain aspects of it, that I could get it under control. Yes, I would let God have a few pieces of it, but not all of it. I didn't want to bother God with all of it, because my pride said I could handle it on my own. I thought perhaps I could use my own willpower to conquer it. I was stubborn. Prideful. Disobedient. I didn't try to do it alone. I turned to friends, counselors, medications, but I never fully relied on God to handle the situation. I feared that if I gave it over to Him, that He would completely take it away from me and never give it back, and I wasn't ready to let go. I wouldn't let go. As a result, my depression got deeper, my stronghold got stronger, and I grew more and more unhappy and farther from my Lord. I can't even put into words the sentiments I felt when my body, mind and spirit had given in. Those of you who have been there know what I'm talking about.
After two long years, my will and desires finally gave in to the Lord's Will and desires. I knew I couldn't hang on to this stronghold any longer because it had been such a toxic influence on my life. I knew the only way to get out was to sacrifice it all over to Christ. My heart and flesh fought hard and did not want to do it. But I reached a point in my life where it was time for me to be obedient to the Lord, instead of obedient to my emotions and flesh. Last Monday, I finally said "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry for not trusting you for so long. I'm sorry for trying to hold on to something that rightfully belongs to you. Please forgive me and accept it from me now as my act of obedience to you. I love you and I'm making a change now. I hope it's not too late." After I released the stronghold from my life Monday night, I work up Tuesday morning with an indescribable feeling. My burden had been lifted. I felt completely liberated and relieved. This huge burden I had been carrying around for nearly two years felt like it was literally lifted off my shoulders. It was like black and white difference between the two days. Though the loss of something that I held onto for so long comes with despair and sadness, the Lord is filling that empty space with His unconditional love and mercy. He has been filling that emptiness with His Word and with a sense of peace that says "Everything is going to be ok. It's all going to be ok. I got you and I won't let you fall. I have delivered you. Now all I need you to do is to trust me from this point forward." I believe the process of full deliverance and healing will take some time. There is still hurt and sadness and pain that comes with letting it go. But I can rest assured for the first time in 2 years knowing the Lord has got it 100% under His control. I will close with this verse that has been on my heart and mind all week.
For any of you who know me or who have been reading my blog in the past two years, you know I have been struggling with depression and a huge stronghold on my life. It was something that affected every aspect and realm of my daily living...physical, emotional, and spiritual. I reached the lowest of lows and have been through some of the darkest nights of the soul that I could ever imagine. For the longest time, I kept telling myself I could manage it, manage the depression, manage the stronghold. I believed that if I could control certain aspects of it, that I could get it under control. Yes, I would let God have a few pieces of it, but not all of it. I didn't want to bother God with all of it, because my pride said I could handle it on my own. I thought perhaps I could use my own willpower to conquer it. I was stubborn. Prideful. Disobedient. I didn't try to do it alone. I turned to friends, counselors, medications, but I never fully relied on God to handle the situation. I feared that if I gave it over to Him, that He would completely take it away from me and never give it back, and I wasn't ready to let go. I wouldn't let go. As a result, my depression got deeper, my stronghold got stronger, and I grew more and more unhappy and farther from my Lord. I can't even put into words the sentiments I felt when my body, mind and spirit had given in. Those of you who have been there know what I'm talking about.
After two long years, my will and desires finally gave in to the Lord's Will and desires. I knew I couldn't hang on to this stronghold any longer because it had been such a toxic influence on my life. I knew the only way to get out was to sacrifice it all over to Christ. My heart and flesh fought hard and did not want to do it. But I reached a point in my life where it was time for me to be obedient to the Lord, instead of obedient to my emotions and flesh. Last Monday, I finally said "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry for not trusting you for so long. I'm sorry for trying to hold on to something that rightfully belongs to you. Please forgive me and accept it from me now as my act of obedience to you. I love you and I'm making a change now. I hope it's not too late." After I released the stronghold from my life Monday night, I work up Tuesday morning with an indescribable feeling. My burden had been lifted. I felt completely liberated and relieved. This huge burden I had been carrying around for nearly two years felt like it was literally lifted off my shoulders. It was like black and white difference between the two days. Though the loss of something that I held onto for so long comes with despair and sadness, the Lord is filling that empty space with His unconditional love and mercy. He has been filling that emptiness with His Word and with a sense of peace that says "Everything is going to be ok. It's all going to be ok. I got you and I won't let you fall. I have delivered you. Now all I need you to do is to trust me from this point forward." I believe the process of full deliverance and healing will take some time. There is still hurt and sadness and pain that comes with letting it go. But I can rest assured for the first time in 2 years knowing the Lord has got it 100% under His control. I will close with this verse that has been on my heart and mind all week.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
~Hebrews 12:1-3~
~Hebrews 12:1-3~
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