One of my friends from my Community Group recently shared with me this song by Brooke Fraser called Shadowfeet. I love it. There are so many points in my life where I have hit rock bottom. Those phases in my life are normally characterized by serious depression. It usually comes and passes with time. I have felt like I have been at rock bottom for the last two years.
Another friend from my Community Group asked me this weekend if I always look so composed as I did at that moment. Well, the answer is...on the outside, I have become a pro at looking "composed" and put together. I have always been one to put on the happy face and put on the front, so people won't see the truth. The reality is, I'm extremely broken on the inside and miserably depressed. So, I might look composed on the outside, but I'm not on the inside. These last 6 months, I felt like it has gotten even harder to keep my "composed" outer shell. I find myself crying in the most public of places - at work, driving down a busy street, at a packed restaurant. It's like I'm unravelling. My turmoiled inside is becoming so overwhelming that I can't even keep it on the inside anymore. That disturbs me.
I was talking with that same friend this weekend and we were discussing what our "escapes" were from life. I asked him to define "escape" and we agreed that it was anything that allows us to flee from the craziness of our life and forget about our troubles. I thought about it for a minute and then realized, there is only one escape for me, and it has always been and will always be worship. I literally cried all day today, but by the time I got to Waters Edge Church and started worshipping, it was like all was right in my world even for just those few minutes in time. For just those few moments, I felt God's unconditional love, and I felt this overwhelming outflow of emotion that I needed to praise Him for giving me day after day to live for Him. I remember praying as I worshipped, thanking the Lord for never turning His back on me, even when I have turned my back on Him. When I feel like the world is crashing all around me, He is the only shining light that still shines through.
"When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through,
I'll be found in you"
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