Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I Wish I Was Numb
I wish I was numb to it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel. Anything. Because for the last two years, the main feeling I have felt is not a positive feeling. It's a feeling of such darkness and pain that most days I don't even feel like I recognize myself anymore. Most days I don't even feel like getting out of bed, going to work, having to talk to people, or anything for that matter. Most people that I have talked to say that I have endured this situation way past and much longer than any normal person would. Why do I keep enduring? Why do I keep going? I keep enduring because I care. I believe people and relationships matter...I guess even at the cost of my own self, and my own happiness. I honestly can say I don't feel like I have felt true happiness in the last two years. What really is true happiness? Who knows I guess. When I say true happiness, maybe I just mean inner peace and that insurpassable joy that the Lord provides. Inner peace is so much farther from what I have inside of me right now. So why do I keep enduring? I don't know. Why do people stay with anything that is unhealthy or toxic to them? Perhaps it provides a benefit to them for a moment in time, or they are blinded by the true vision of it, or it's an addiction and they can't let go. Whatever the reason, people hold on to things with a grip like no other. I know I do. I can't let go, and I haven't been able to. I say it's for good reasons, but when I look at my life and see the pain I am in, is it really worth it? Most days I just want to give up. But giving up on this life is like spitting in God's face, saying "This life that you have given me is not what I wanted or not worth it." Why do I keep going? I guess some ounce of faith or hope that I have tells me that the Lord is good and His promises are true. Even if I cry myself through every single day for the rest of my life, at least I can say I didn't give up, right? But what about that promise of God wanting me to live abundantly? This is not abundant living. It's barely living at all.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It saddens me to read this. I so wish much much more for you. I heard a message today that said the Lord will give you a double blessing for your troubles you endure. And you are right, don't give up. ANYONE can give up. It doesn't take special talent to do that. But......it does take someone special to keep going...and going. I'm not sure why anyone goes through the hardships that they do...but I do know that they deliver you into someone you wouldn't be without them, if that makes any sense at all. It's hard. COMPLETELY hard sometimes. I just wish you could see your self through my eyes. And definately through the Lord's. You are someone amazing....with so much to offer. I know one day you will look back at these days.....and know that God was doing a work in you. xo xo xo Love Lisa
ReplyDeleteHey Lo,
ReplyDeleteDon't give up on life or on the promise God has for you for abundant life. I love you and I am praying for you continually. I am praying mostly that you will have that break through or see the light at the end and have a moment when you know it's going to get better. It'll happen - not always when or how or under the circumstances we want - but I do believe this season in your life will end and you will live abundantly.
Love you,
Camil