Even If

"Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn't come"

Three and a half years later, and the healing still hasn't come. I can't make sense of so much in my life right now. My heart tells me one thing, my mind tells me another. The day tells me one thing, the night tells me another. I can't forget, and I can't move on. I feel like I have had a splitting heart for the last three years. It's broken in so many pieces that I don't even know where to begin to put them all back together again. My mind tells me one thing, my feelings tell me another. The Lord tells me one thing, the devil tells me another. Guilt, shame, and unforgiveness are not of the Lord, yet I feel like I know them better than any other feelings at this moment. Living a life of freedom and redemption seems so far-fetched to me right now. I know it all to be true, but I don't feel worthy. If the Lord can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself? I have so many questions, so many doubts, so many fears...but this song reminds me, that even if the healing doesn't come, even if this pain doesn't stop, God is still God. I will never deny that, and I know that to be true. Even though I feel like I am in the darkest hole of depression, God is still good, and He is still Lord. He will still reign no matter what circumstance I am in, no matter what heartbreak or despair I am experiencing, no matter where I find myself in life. It's the one Truth that cannot be shaken and I will always know to be true - Jesus is my Lord, He is good, and He is Love. I may feel far from His love at times, but it's not because He has pulled away. It's because I have let all these sinful feelings of guilt, shame, and unforgiveness consume my heart and mind. I have hope that His Love will help me tear through all of those feelings and that I will feel whole and free once again. But even now, when healing has not come and my life feels like it's in pieces, I will not turn my back on the Gospel that has always been True, and God who has always been there.