Thy Will Be Done

Sometimes our bliss turns into abyss... What once was, and was meant to be, shatters. We set expectations for ourselves and for others, That are unachievable, and always leave us disappointed. We place our hope and trust in things of this world, Things that are without a doubt going to fall through the cracks. We picture love, we dream, we fantasize, Thinking we deserve it all, But what do we really deserve? What does this world owe us? Things that are here today, steadfast, with vision cast far into the future, Look back at us from tomorrow, laugh, and are gone. An emptiness, a void, that you think nothing... absolutely nothing can fill...

- until -

You discover, or rediscover that LOVE, that unconditional, passionate love, undeserving, merciful, forgiving, LOVE. The Love of a Heavenly Father, a God, that looks down on you and just smiles. He sees your weaknesses, your flaws, your imperfections. He sees your fears, your insecurities, your sins, Yet, He loves you nevertheless. Oh, what a love! What an incredible, incredible Love. That Love, that Truth, His Promises, start to fill in that empty hole and void, fill in every open wound and gap in our lives. It restores, it heals, it refreshes, It fills a once hopeless, broken soul back to life again. The pain doesn't go away, it still stings with from time to time, but beneath it all, there is a Hope, a Peace, a Joy, from none other than our Savior Jesus Christ our Lord. Jesus, enter our dark abyss; be our Light! Even when it doesn't make sense, we lay our hearts at your feet, and say, "We Trust You, Lord" - "Thy Will Be Done."

A Tribute to My Grammy

I wrote this for my grandmother (my mom's mom) for Thanksgiving 2015 and read it to her that day in person in PA. We call my grandmother - Grammy. :)

Proverbs 31:31 says “Honor her for all that her hands have done.” There is so much that you have done that is worthy of honor. Worthy of respect. Worthy of praise. As far back as I can remember, coming home to Grammy’s house in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania has filled me with joy. One of the greatest reasons is knowing I will walk into a home filled with peace, love, and incredible hugs! In my almost 30 years of life, I have never met anyone with as sweet a presence…as gentle a spirit…and as loving and compassionate a heart as you. Your kindness warms every soul you encounter. Your sweetness is contagious and makes everyone want to be around you. Your calm and peaceful demeanor is so overwhelming that it can break even the strongest tension in a room. Everything about your demeanor and character is a wonderful display of how I picture Jesus Christ was during his ministry on earth. A loving wife, a daughter, a sister, a mother of three children, a grandmother to six grandchildren, and a great-grandmother to five great-grandchildren – what a legacy you have created, and your love can be seen spread throughout all of them. On this Thanksgiving holiday, let me list just a few things about you for which I am thankful…

Your incredible hugs

Your character

Your love and support no matter what I do

Your quality time playing cards with me

Your millions of delicious homemade meals

Your sweetness

Your faith in God

Your interesting stories

Your love for cats

Your love for your family

Your positive perspective on life

Your generosity

The list could go on and on. Most of all, I want you to know that I am incredibly grateful for you, and I thank God for you. I love you. Your family loves you. This Thanksgiving, we honor you, Grammy.

Life and Death

This last month has been filled with a number of encounters of death and life. I have two friends from church who lost their grandmothers within days of each other. As I sat in a row in the back of the funeral home and watched my friend weep as she read a poem about her grandmother, I just wondered...what does death even mean? Why does it have to happen? It brings so much sadness and hurt to so many. I've never lost anyone close to me to death. I've lost people in my life, but not to death. Is perhaps the entire purpose of losing someone or something to show how you respond and react to that loss? If that's the ultimate test, I can say I feel like I'm failing my test. I've let my loss completely unravel me for years. But yet, not without faith. I still believe. I believe in God. I believe in His goodness. I believe He does have a greater plan beyond all the hurt and suffering of this world. It's why He died on a cross for us, so that we can have hope for tomorrow. There are many days I have felt hopeless, but with Jesus, you just keep pushing through it. Someway, somehow. You keep breathing and trying to wake up that next morning. So, what is the purpose of death? Of loss? Another friend of mine just lost her mother to Lou Gehrig's disease in the last week. Although I couldn't make the funeral, I watched a recording of it online. Listening to the testimony of the family and friends who loved her mother dearly, you could hear of the endless lives she touched and impacted. There were numerous people she showed Christ's love to, and as a result, their lives were forever changed. They now know the Lord themselves, or their faith and relationship with the Lord was deepened and strengthened. Maybe that's the purpose of loss right there. Many lives can be changed through just one. Maybe that could be the redeeming quality and goodness that God can bring out of death.

But then also this month, two of my close friends and my sister-in-law all had babies. As I held each of those three babies in my arms, I thought...although there is death in this world, there is also the miracle of life. The Lord both gives and takes away. Although death will inevitably come, He also blesses us and entrusts us to create and bring new life into this world, to continue the cycle, to raise up, and teach them of Christ's love too. The innocence and beauty of a newborn child is enough to revive new hope in me for a new day. With each new day, God grants us new mercies. I will forever hold on to that promise, for myself, and for all those experiencing great loss and hurt in their lives.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Behind the Veil

What lies behind the veil?

It's a hidden place. That which is hidden could be both good or bad. If good, perhaps it is something special or sacred, only for a select few to know and access. If bad, perhaps darkness, secrets, and sin.

We all have a veil. We all have a part of ourselves that the outside world sees, and a part of ourselves that lies beyond the veil, that only our inner world sees, or perhaps just God.

What is it for you? Is it your faith, kept secret and sacred to yourself, not sharing with the world out of fear of seeming judgmental or discriminatory? Is it your struggle with weight? Depression? Insecurity? Fear of commitment? Inability to love or be loved? Is it an addiction?

For many, our lives stay veiled forever, never to let anyone in to see the true us. We fear rejection. We fear judgement.

In the Old Testament, Jewish people worshiped in a tabernacle, which was separated into different sections. There was the outer court, the inner court (holy place), and the most holy place called the Holy of Holies. An average person could enter the outer court, priests could enter the inner court, but only the High Priest could go behind the veil to the Holy of Holies. The Jewish people believed that the presence of God lived in that most holy place. So, before the high priest entered, he had to go through a series of purification rituals. The Jewish people were kept at a distance from their God, and only through a series of rituals and sacrifices, could they meet their God or be in His presence.

However, this all changed when Jesus entered the scene. At his death and crucifixion, the Bible says: "At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split..." Matthew 27:51. Basically, the veil, the very symbol of what represented the split between God and man in the Jewish religion, was torn in two on that day. Jesus came to bridge that gap between God and man, so that we can come before our God clothed in Christ's righteousness. In Hebrews 6: 19-20, it says. "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek." Christ has torn the veil that allows us to enter into God's presence. He sees all of us, all our good and bad kept behind our veil, and He dares to go beyond that veil. He goes beyond it and loves us all the same knowing every piece of our lives.

If we can come to claim that kind of love in our lives - the kind of love that goes behind our veil into the darkest places in our lives and accepts and loves us all the same - just imagine the kind of freedom that would come from that.

So, what lies behind your veil? What have you kept hidden in your Holy of Holies? Are you willing to have an all-loving Savior come tear it down, and set you free?

Melt Me, Mold Me

The lyrics of this hymn I used to sing growing up in church just came on my heart and mind this evening. The hymn was called "Spirit of the Living God." You can hear just one version of it here. The lyrics are so powerful...

"Spirit of the Living God,

Fall afresh on me.

Spirit of the Living God,

Fall afresh on me.

Melt me, Mold me,

Fill me, Use me.

Spirit of the Living God,

Fall afresh on me."

That's the prayer of my heart each and every day. I want the all-consuming fire of the Holy Spirit to dwell in me and to change me from the inside out. I desire to be melted and molded by His Love, His compassion, and His Spirit. I want to see things through His eyes and love who He loves. I want to be humble enough to admit when I'm wrong, to change to be more like Him, and to constantly be moldable. 

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

~ 2 Corinthians 3:18 ~

Out of Hiding

"I saw it all, still I chose the cross."

He saw it all, and still chose the cross for me. Incredible, indescribable grace....

"Oh as you run, what hindered love, will only become part of the story..."

To Be Truly Human is To Be Truly Known

"We weren't created to do it all by ourselves. To be truly human is to be truly known."

"We were created in the image of God, and God is a community."

"Joy is at stake and it only happens when we let the guard down."

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

Enough is enough

A friend recently said to me, "Enough is enough." When will I reach that point? When will I truly be able to let go and let God? When will I stop gripping so tightly to something I care so deeply about but is filled with unfulfilled promises, delusions, and hurt? There is no happy ending there. None. It's all in my head. I keep hoping and wanting more, but it can never be. But I still don't want to let go. Is there a breaking point? If there is, and I haven't hit it yet, goodness gracious, I don't want to see what that will look like. There is so much fear and so much hurt. But I still care...deeply. The Lord says He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I feel that, believe that, and know that to be true. I feel His peace deep down inside; it's the only thing keeping me from completely unraveling. It may just be a glimmer, but I know it's there. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13), at least beyond what I can bear when I am walking through life in His strength. I do believe He will allow us to be broken to the point where we are pushed towards full reliance on Him. He can turn anything for the better; He can make all things new (Revelation 21:5). He can never restore or heal that which I have not fully released unto Him. There is a lot of hurt, confusion, depression, questions....but I will not let my faith falter during this time. I will not turn my back on God. He is my ever present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1). I love Him with every ounce of my being. I desire to have my every breath be for His glory, my every word to bring life, my every action to further His Kingdom. I want to be wholly abandoned and emptied unto myself, so that my life can be filled with everything of God, so much so that it overflows to others. I want to become lesser, so He can become greater (John 3:30). Lord, hear my cry. Know my heart. I am not giving up this fight. I will hold onto my faith and seek You. Though I may fail, though I will fail, and make mistakes, Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy, and your unconditional love and forgiveness. I am so not worthy. Lord, I love you. I so deeply love you. When will enough be enough?

Meet #1 Man in my Life!

Meet Forrest Wesley Cory IV, my nephew, born January 22nd at 8:39am, 8lbs 2ozs, 20 3/4" long. I am now Aunt Lolo. ;)

It's amazing how much I loved him before I even met him, before he was even born. Now that he is actually here, my love for him has multiplied tremendously! I would do anything for this little man! I can't even imagine the love I would have for a child of my own - I can't wait to be a mother one day!

Bridge of Light

"Just when you think,
Hope is lost
And giving up
Is all you got,
Blue turns black,
Your confidence is cracked,
There seems no turning back from here

Sometimes there isn't an obvious explanation
While the holiest hearts can feel the strongest palpitations

That's when you can build a bridge of light,
That's what turns the wrong so right
That's when you can't give up the fight

That's when love turns nighttime into day,
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight,

Only love can build us a bridge of light

3am

It's 3am, and I'm sitting here wide awake. It feels like it's over...well, the whole world keeps telling me it's over and to move on? Why can't my heart detach? Some people understand...the ones who really listen and look beyond the surface. Others want what is best for all involved, and it makes sense, it really does, but why won't my heart and mind follow in suit? I don't want to lose the memories, forget the love I had for you, and possibly the love you had for me. I don't want to lose you. Deny that it was love? No, I won't do that. Maybe I can't move on because I don't want to abandon you or give up on you. The words of others resonate in my head asking, do they really need you? No, I know not...your smiles are beaming and I pray they are true. Your silence speaks louder than words. Perhaps the truth is I feel abandoned myself. Perhaps I fear ever finding a connection like that with anyone else. Fear of the future, fear of love...who knows, fear is fear. There are just some people that come into your life and leave you forever changed, and without a doubt, you are one of them. Without a doubt. Three and a half years later, and the pain feels just as real, just as sharp. I miss you. I miss you so much. There is an empty space in me that has felt empty for so long. Maybe I don't try to fill it because that hole and void is the only trace I have left of you. Good days and bad days come and go. When something is broken, unless you give the pieces back to the Creator to let him put it back together, it will stay broken. But, I am holding tightly to the pieces...I don't even know where all the pieces are. Maybe it's time to move on....that's what you wanted all along right? We both go our different ways and erase each other from our lives. Act like we never even knew each other? I don't even know how to do that. Why would I do that? Right, because it's what is best for all involved. Right. I don't know how to act like the most important person in my life never existed. I don't want to act like you never existed. This is a 3am rant, and who knows what I am saying on this thing. Maybe it's time to move on...maybe it's time.

One Thing Remains

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me

Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me

Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me

On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul"

2nd Heaven on Earth

Well, I've already talked about my first personal heaven on earth in a previous blog post.... OUTERBANKS, NC. My second personal heaven on earth is CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA!

Even If

"Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn't come"

Three and a half years later, and the healing still hasn't come. I can't make sense of so much in my life right now. My heart tells me one thing, my mind tells me another. The day tells me one thing, the night tells me another. I can't forget, and I can't move on. I feel like I have had a splitting heart for the last three years. It's broken in so many pieces that I don't even know where to begin to put them all back together again. My mind tells me one thing, my feelings tell me another. The Lord tells me one thing, the devil tells me another. Guilt, shame, and unforgiveness are not of the Lord, yet I feel like I know them better than any other feelings at this moment. Living a life of freedom and redemption seems so far-fetched to me right now. I know it all to be true, but I don't feel worthy. If the Lord can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself? I have so many questions, so many doubts, so many fears...but this song reminds me, that even if the healing doesn't come, even if this pain doesn't stop, God is still God. I will never deny that, and I know that to be true. Even though I feel like I am in the darkest hole of depression, God is still good, and He is still Lord. He will still reign no matter what circumstance I am in, no matter what heartbreak or despair I am experiencing, no matter where I find myself in life. It's the one Truth that cannot be shaken and I will always know to be true - Jesus is my Lord, He is good, and He is Love. I may feel far from His love at times, but it's not because He has pulled away. It's because I have let all these sinful feelings of guilt, shame, and unforgiveness consume my heart and mind. I have hope that His Love will help me tear through all of those feelings and that I will feel whole and free once again. But even now, when healing has not come and my life feels like it's in pieces, I will not turn my back on the Gospel that has always been True, and God who has always been there.

Burdens that Allow Us to Fly

"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us, burdens that allow us to fly."

This quote came from the Season 4 finale of the TV show, Bones. I have been watching numerous shows on Netflix, and Bones just happens to be one of them. I just finished Season 4 last night and the finale had that quote in it. I thought it was a beautiful quote.

I have been thinking a lot about love...if it's worth it to fall in love with someone and risk the chance of being heartbroken. Like most people, I have and am experiencing heartbreak. It's one of the worst pains I've ever had to feel, and I would wish it on no one. I said to my friend last night that I didn't believe in the common phrase "It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." That's a powerful statement, but when you are in the middle of the 'lost' part, it's hard to agree with that sentiment. Many would say love isn't worth the pain, worth the loss, worth the heartache. Some days I do feel like that, but then other days I feel a small glimpse of hope and love deep down inside that reminds me that I know True Love. The true, unconditional love of a Heavenly Father is a love that surpasses all earthly loves, any friendship love or romantic love. It is just that, unconditional, and does not waver based on how good you are, or how many mistakes you make. It's constant and always there when you need it. When I focus on that kind of love, the love that the Lord has for me, it sparks that tiny flame deep inside of me that tells me don't give up on love just yet. Love is a beautiful thing between two people, it's something special to be cherished and honored and respected. I believe in love, especially on those days when I feel that tiny flame. Yet, I can't wait for that tiny flame to grow into a burning fire.

"Love Can Bring You Home."

I am reading a book recommended to me called Made for Goodness And Why This Makes All the Difference by Christian Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu. Each chapter ends with a beautiful poem written in the voice and perspective of God speaking to us. Here is the poem I read today:

"Why are you running, running, running?

Why are you hiding away?

You may think that what you have done is beyond my power to forgive.

You may think what you have said makes me shrug and turn away.

You may think that you are lost.

But you are not lost to me.

How could you ever be?

Where are you that I cannot go?

Where have you been that I have not been?

What did you see that I have not seen?

What did you do?

No, it cannot be undone,

The pain cannot be unmade,

The life cannot be un-lived,

The time will not run backward,

You cannot un-choose your choice.

But the pain can be healed,

Your choices can be redeemed,

Your life can be blessed,

And love can bring you home."

"To Love at All is to be Vulnerable"

I spend a lot of time thinking about friendships and relationships....what they should be like, what I can do to be a better person and better friend, how to love people unconditionally, etc. It's just something I enjoy to think deeply about. It's hard to be in relationships or friendships after getting burned by people, or rejected, or abandoned. It's really hard to reopen your heart to others, to trust them again, or to even love them like you once loved before. But it's gotta be worth it, right? One of my favorite quotes about relationships and love is by Christian author, C.S. Lewis. He says:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Forgiveness at the Gas Pump

I pull up to the gas station this evening and start pumping gas. I look to the next pump over and my heart skips a beat. The guy I see there looks just like a guy I use to work with a few years ago. This is not just any guy, but a guy who verbally abused me and harassed me day in and day out at my job. I remember going home crying from work because of this guy. He was cruel, rude, unprofessional, and verbally abusive. I remember trying everything in my might to shower this guy with kindness to try and win him over so our work environment could be more peaceful. Nothing worked. Eventually, I left the job almost solely because of this abusive workplace environment. Back at the gas station, my heart skipped a beat thinking it was him. I looked away quickly and focused on the pump, having flash backs to interactions with him, thinking about what I should say to him in case he noticed me. The words coming to my mind were not nice, forgiving, or Christ-like. I built up enough guts to directly glance back at him to confirm if it was him or not.

When My Works Are Not Enough

Do you ever feel like what you do in life just doesn't cut it? It doesn't make the mark? You are always messing up, making mistakes, or letting people down? Perhaps you didn't produce the quality work that your boss was looking for at your job, or you took a project in a different direction than your boss had in mind and he asked you to do it over. Or what about your home life? Are you always trying to meet the approval of your significant other? Trying to check off some list to do things right and meet their expectations? Maybe your spouse asked you to fix up the yard, or cook a meal, or do an errand. You do it, and it doesn't meet their expectations. They get angry and it turns into a fight. Or let's say your parents require you to get a job for the summer and you get a waitressing job and they don't approve of it. Or they expect you to go to college, but you have other plans, so they express their disappointment. You feel nothing you can do can satisfy them or make them happy. You feel unloved. You feel tired of trying to meet their expectations. People and life place these demands on us daily. We live in a society that is so focused on our accomplishments, what we do, our successes....our works.

Acceptance vs. Accountability

Do you accept others for who they are? Do you accept them for all their flaws, weaknesses, and sins? We are called to accept and love all, just as Jesus did. We are called to forgive others just as Jesus forgave us. But why is that such a difficult task sometimes? Why do we struggle to accept and forgive others? We are all sinners and we are all human, so their sins and flaws are no worse than our own. So, isn't it hypocritical to call out others on their sins when you have your own sins?