To Be Truly Human is To Be Truly Known

"We weren't created to do it all by ourselves. To be truly human is to be truly known."

"We were created in the image of God, and God is a community."

"Joy is at stake and it only happens when we let the guard down."

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

3am

It's 3am, and I'm sitting here wide awake. It feels like it's over...well, the whole world keeps telling me it's over and to move on? Why can't my heart detach? Some people understand...the ones who really listen and look beyond the surface. Others want what is best for all involved, and it makes sense, it really does, but why won't my heart and mind follow in suit? I don't want to lose the memories, forget the love I had for you, and possibly the love you had for me. I don't want to lose you. Deny that it was love? No, I won't do that. Maybe I can't move on because I don't want to abandon you or give up on you. The words of others resonate in my head asking, do they really need you? No, I know not...your smiles are beaming and I pray they are true. Your silence speaks louder than words. Perhaps the truth is I feel abandoned myself. Perhaps I fear ever finding a connection like that with anyone else. Fear of the future, fear of love...who knows, fear is fear. There are just some people that come into your life and leave you forever changed, and without a doubt, you are one of them. Without a doubt. Three and a half years later, and the pain feels just as real, just as sharp. I miss you. I miss you so much. There is an empty space in me that has felt empty for so long. Maybe I don't try to fill it because that hole and void is the only trace I have left of you. Good days and bad days come and go. When something is broken, unless you give the pieces back to the Creator to let him put it back together, it will stay broken. But, I am holding tightly to the pieces...I don't even know where all the pieces are. Maybe it's time to move on....that's what you wanted all along right? We both go our different ways and erase each other from our lives. Act like we never even knew each other? I don't even know how to do that. Why would I do that? Right, because it's what is best for all involved. Right. I don't know how to act like the most important person in my life never existed. I don't want to act like you never existed. This is a 3am rant, and who knows what I am saying on this thing. Maybe it's time to move on...maybe it's time.

Even If

"Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn't come"

Three and a half years later, and the healing still hasn't come. I can't make sense of so much in my life right now. My heart tells me one thing, my mind tells me another. The day tells me one thing, the night tells me another. I can't forget, and I can't move on. I feel like I have had a splitting heart for the last three years. It's broken in so many pieces that I don't even know where to begin to put them all back together again. My mind tells me one thing, my feelings tell me another. The Lord tells me one thing, the devil tells me another. Guilt, shame, and unforgiveness are not of the Lord, yet I feel like I know them better than any other feelings at this moment. Living a life of freedom and redemption seems so far-fetched to me right now. I know it all to be true, but I don't feel worthy. If the Lord can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself? I have so many questions, so many doubts, so many fears...but this song reminds me, that even if the healing doesn't come, even if this pain doesn't stop, God is still God. I will never deny that, and I know that to be true. Even though I feel like I am in the darkest hole of depression, God is still good, and He is still Lord. He will still reign no matter what circumstance I am in, no matter what heartbreak or despair I am experiencing, no matter where I find myself in life. It's the one Truth that cannot be shaken and I will always know to be true - Jesus is my Lord, He is good, and He is Love. I may feel far from His love at times, but it's not because He has pulled away. It's because I have let all these sinful feelings of guilt, shame, and unforgiveness consume my heart and mind. I have hope that His Love will help me tear through all of those feelings and that I will feel whole and free once again. But even now, when healing has not come and my life feels like it's in pieces, I will not turn my back on the Gospel that has always been True, and God who has always been there.

Burdens that Allow Us to Fly

"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us, burdens that allow us to fly."

This quote came from the Season 4 finale of the TV show, Bones. I have been watching numerous shows on Netflix, and Bones just happens to be one of them. I just finished Season 4 last night and the finale had that quote in it. I thought it was a beautiful quote.

I have been thinking a lot about love...if it's worth it to fall in love with someone and risk the chance of being heartbroken. Like most people, I have and am experiencing heartbreak. It's one of the worst pains I've ever had to feel, and I would wish it on no one. I said to my friend last night that I didn't believe in the common phrase "It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." That's a powerful statement, but when you are in the middle of the 'lost' part, it's hard to agree with that sentiment. Many would say love isn't worth the pain, worth the loss, worth the heartache. Some days I do feel like that, but then other days I feel a small glimpse of hope and love deep down inside that reminds me that I know True Love. The true, unconditional love of a Heavenly Father is a love that surpasses all earthly loves, any friendship love or romantic love. It is just that, unconditional, and does not waver based on how good you are, or how many mistakes you make. It's constant and always there when you need it. When I focus on that kind of love, the love that the Lord has for me, it sparks that tiny flame deep inside of me that tells me don't give up on love just yet. Love is a beautiful thing between two people, it's something special to be cherished and honored and respected. I believe in love, especially on those days when I feel that tiny flame. Yet, I can't wait for that tiny flame to grow into a burning fire.