Broken Praise

It doesn't matter how much pain, confusion, hurt, or sadness exist in my life, "just give me one more breath to say Hallelujah." He is Lord. He is the reason why I live.

One of my really good friends shared this song with me, and it's just beautiful.

To Be Truly Human is To Be Truly Known

"We weren't created to do it all by ourselves. To be truly human is to be truly known."

"We were created in the image of God, and God is a community."

"Joy is at stake and it only happens when we let the guard down."

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

Enough is enough

A friend recently said to me, "Enough is enough." When will I reach that point? When will I truly be able to let go and let God? When will I stop gripping so tightly to something I care so deeply about but is filled with unfulfilled promises, delusions, and hurt? There is no happy ending there. None. It's all in my head. I keep hoping and wanting more, but it can never be. But I still don't want to let go. Is there a breaking point? If there is, and I haven't hit it yet, goodness gracious, I don't want to see what that will look like. There is so much fear and so much hurt. But I still care...deeply. The Lord says He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I feel that, believe that, and know that to be true. I feel His peace deep down inside; it's the only thing keeping me from completely unraveling. It may just be a glimmer, but I know it's there. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13), at least beyond what I can bear when I am walking through life in His strength. I do believe He will allow us to be broken to the point where we are pushed towards full reliance on Him. He can turn anything for the better; He can make all things new (Revelation 21:5). He can never restore or heal that which I have not fully released unto Him. There is a lot of hurt, confusion, depression, questions....but I will not let my faith falter during this time. I will not turn my back on God. He is my ever present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1). I love Him with every ounce of my being. I desire to have my every breath be for His glory, my every word to bring life, my every action to further His Kingdom. I want to be wholly abandoned and emptied unto myself, so that my life can be filled with everything of God, so much so that it overflows to others. I want to become lesser, so He can become greater (John 3:30). Lord, hear my cry. Know my heart. I am not giving up this fight. I will hold onto my faith and seek You. Though I may fail, though I will fail, and make mistakes, Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy, and your unconditional love and forgiveness. I am so not worthy. Lord, I love you. I so deeply love you. When will enough be enough?

Forgiveness at the Gas Pump

I pull up to the gas station this evening and start pumping gas. I look to the next pump over and my heart skips a beat. The guy I see there looks just like a guy I use to work with a few years ago. This is not just any guy, but a guy who verbally abused me and harassed me day in and day out at my job. I remember going home crying from work because of this guy. He was cruel, rude, unprofessional, and verbally abusive. I remember trying everything in my might to shower this guy with kindness to try and win him over so our work environment could be more peaceful. Nothing worked. Eventually, I left the job almost solely because of this abusive workplace environment. Back at the gas station, my heart skipped a beat thinking it was him. I looked away quickly and focused on the pump, having flash backs to interactions with him, thinking about what I should say to him in case he noticed me. The words coming to my mind were not nice, forgiving, or Christ-like. I built up enough guts to directly glance back at him to confirm if it was him or not.

You Hold Me Now

"You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong United is another one of my favorite worship songs right now.

The lyrics that it starts out with are:

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace