3am

It's 3am, and I'm sitting here wide awake. It feels like it's over...well, the whole world keeps telling me it's over and to move on? Why can't my heart detach? Some people understand...the ones who really listen and look beyond the surface. Others want what is best for all involved, and it makes sense, it really does, but why won't my heart and mind follow in suit? I don't want to lose the memories, forget the love I had for you, and possibly the love you had for me. I don't want to lose you. Deny that it was love? No, I won't do that. Maybe I can't move on because I don't want to abandon you or give up on you. The words of others resonate in my head asking, do they really need you? No, I know not...your smiles are beaming and I pray they are true. Your silence speaks louder than words. Perhaps the truth is I feel abandoned myself. Perhaps I fear ever finding a connection like that with anyone else. Fear of the future, fear of love...who knows, fear is fear. There are just some people that come into your life and leave you forever changed, and without a doubt, you are one of them. Without a doubt. Three and a half years later, and the pain feels just as real, just as sharp. I miss you. I miss you so much. There is an empty space in me that has felt empty for so long. Maybe I don't try to fill it because that hole and void is the only trace I have left of you. Good days and bad days come and go. When something is broken, unless you give the pieces back to the Creator to let him put it back together, it will stay broken. But, I am holding tightly to the pieces...I don't even know where all the pieces are. Maybe it's time to move on....that's what you wanted all along right? We both go our different ways and erase each other from our lives. Act like we never even knew each other? I don't even know how to do that. Why would I do that? Right, because it's what is best for all involved. Right. I don't know how to act like the most important person in my life never existed. I don't want to act like you never existed. This is a 3am rant, and who knows what I am saying on this thing. Maybe it's time to move on...maybe it's time.

Forgiveness at the Gas Pump

I pull up to the gas station this evening and start pumping gas. I look to the next pump over and my heart skips a beat. The guy I see there looks just like a guy I use to work with a few years ago. This is not just any guy, but a guy who verbally abused me and harassed me day in and day out at my job. I remember going home crying from work because of this guy. He was cruel, rude, unprofessional, and verbally abusive. I remember trying everything in my might to shower this guy with kindness to try and win him over so our work environment could be more peaceful. Nothing worked. Eventually, I left the job almost solely because of this abusive workplace environment. Back at the gas station, my heart skipped a beat thinking it was him. I looked away quickly and focused on the pump, having flash backs to interactions with him, thinking about what I should say to him in case he noticed me. The words coming to my mind were not nice, forgiving, or Christ-like. I built up enough guts to directly glance back at him to confirm if it was him or not.

You Hold Me Now

"You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong United is another one of my favorite worship songs right now.

The lyrics that it starts out with are:

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace