Thy Will Be Done

Sometimes our bliss turns into abyss... What once was, and was meant to be, shatters. We set expectations for ourselves and for others, That are unachievable, and always leave us disappointed. We place our hope and trust in things of this world, Things that are without a doubt going to fall through the cracks. We picture love, we dream, we fantasize, Thinking we deserve it all, But what do we really deserve? What does this world owe us? Things that are here today, steadfast, with vision cast far into the future, Look back at us from tomorrow, laugh, and are gone. An emptiness, a void, that you think nothing... absolutely nothing can fill...

- until -

You discover, or rediscover that LOVE, that unconditional, passionate love, undeserving, merciful, forgiving, LOVE. The Love of a Heavenly Father, a God, that looks down on you and just smiles. He sees your weaknesses, your flaws, your imperfections. He sees your fears, your insecurities, your sins, Yet, He loves you nevertheless. Oh, what a love! What an incredible, incredible Love. That Love, that Truth, His Promises, start to fill in that empty hole and void, fill in every open wound and gap in our lives. It restores, it heals, it refreshes, It fills a once hopeless, broken soul back to life again. The pain doesn't go away, it still stings with from time to time, but beneath it all, there is a Hope, a Peace, a Joy, from none other than our Savior Jesus Christ our Lord. Jesus, enter our dark abyss; be our Light! Even when it doesn't make sense, we lay our hearts at your feet, and say, "We Trust You, Lord" - "Thy Will Be Done."

Shattering Lies

I just got back from a weekend spiritual retreat in Outerbanks, NC with 35 other ladies in my Christian Leadership Training International class I have been taking over the last year. It was an incredibly powerful weekend where we felt the presence of the Holy Spirit seeping through every moment, song, teaching, and prayer. The Lord instilled in my heart that He understood why things happened the way they did in my last relationship. He reassured me that He loved me unconditionally. He gently whispered words of forgiveness to me over and over again, because He knows how much I need to hear it multiple times. He told me I will be redeemed, without a doubt. There are times when I doubt I will make it through this period in my life. I doubt I will be strong enough to move on; I doubt the wound will ever heal, and that the sadness will ever dissipate. But He told me, there is no doubt. "You will make it through, Lauren, trust Me...", He says. He even told me He will use my brokenness from this relationship to reach others. That made me think of this quote that keeps crossing my path of life numerous times; it's a quote from Pastor Rick Warren from his book The Purpose Driven Life: "Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts." That quote practically terrified me throughout all of 2014 every time I read it. I don't know if my deepest hurts will be used in public ministry or some other avenue, but I do know and accept the Lord will use it. He can and does bring goodness out of ALL things. (Romans 8:28).

One of the most powerful moments from the retreat was during a time of prayer when the retreat leaders asked us to stand up if we wanted to ask for the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. They went around the room, laid hands on individuals and prayed for them. I didn't feel called to stand up at this point in the retreat, but if the Lord has a message to tell you, He will find a way to speak it to you. The Pastor made her rounds and when she got to me, instead of passing by, she stopped, bent down, and told me the Lord spoke to her about me. Really? I had no clue what she was about say. She said that the Lord told her I will use the power and gift of discernment to call out the lies in people's lives and help them find the Truth to overcome those lies. She said I will use the strength and power I've had to overcome the lies in my own life to help others. God gave her a vision of me walking down a street with lies shattering like glass on my left and my right. She said that I would use this gift to reach many and to help them find healing.

Wow, Holy Spirit, wow. Speechless, and in awe of You....

Breathe Death to Life

Passion 2013 is going on right now from January 1-4 in Atlanta. Passion Conferences are more than just conferences. Passion is a movement raising up college-aged kids across the nation to spread the fame of Jesus Christ around the globe. I was watching the first main session tonight live online here (http://livelink.268generation.com/). The passage that Louie Giglio used in his message was the story of the Valley of Dry Bones in Ezekiel 37, when God breathes life into the dry bones. As I enter into 2013, this is a great theme passage for my life. I believe in a God that can breathe life into death, breathe life into addictions, breathe life into brokenness, breath life into depression. I believe it, and I will declare it over my life in 2013.

3am

It's 3am, and I'm sitting here wide awake. It feels like it's over...well, the whole world keeps telling me it's over and to move on? Why can't my heart detach? Some people understand...the ones who really listen and look beyond the surface. Others want what is best for all involved, and it makes sense, it really does, but why won't my heart and mind follow in suit? I don't want to lose the memories, forget the love I had for you, and possibly the love you had for me. I don't want to lose you. Deny that it was love? No, I won't do that. Maybe I can't move on because I don't want to abandon you or give up on you. The words of others resonate in my head asking, do they really need you? No, I know not...your smiles are beaming and I pray they are true. Your silence speaks louder than words. Perhaps the truth is I feel abandoned myself. Perhaps I fear ever finding a connection like that with anyone else. Fear of the future, fear of love...who knows, fear is fear. There are just some people that come into your life and leave you forever changed, and without a doubt, you are one of them. Without a doubt. Three and a half years later, and the pain feels just as real, just as sharp. I miss you. I miss you so much. There is an empty space in me that has felt empty for so long. Maybe I don't try to fill it because that hole and void is the only trace I have left of you. Good days and bad days come and go. When something is broken, unless you give the pieces back to the Creator to let him put it back together, it will stay broken. But, I am holding tightly to the pieces...I don't even know where all the pieces are. Maybe it's time to move on....that's what you wanted all along right? We both go our different ways and erase each other from our lives. Act like we never even knew each other? I don't even know how to do that. Why would I do that? Right, because it's what is best for all involved. Right. I don't know how to act like the most important person in my life never existed. I don't want to act like you never existed. This is a 3am rant, and who knows what I am saying on this thing. Maybe it's time to move on...maybe it's time.

Strong Enough

"Strong Enough" by Matthew West

"You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

"To Love at All is to be Vulnerable"

I spend a lot of time thinking about friendships and relationships....what they should be like, what I can do to be a better person and better friend, how to love people unconditionally, etc. It's just something I enjoy to think deeply about. It's hard to be in relationships or friendships after getting burned by people, or rejected, or abandoned. It's really hard to reopen your heart to others, to trust them again, or to even love them like you once loved before. But it's gotta be worth it, right? One of my favorite quotes about relationships and love is by Christian author, C.S. Lewis. He says:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”